Social Distancing, Not Emotional Distancing
At the risk of stating the obvious, there’s a lot going on! It seems like we’re trying to stay calm but at the same time we feel like we have to get prepared. What’s even more scary is that we aren’t even sure what to prepare for. Within this frantic planning, I hear people talking about “hunkering down” and creating binge lists for viewing. Basically, we are looking for ways to keep our minds off the possibility of being confined to our homes. We are all stocking up on food, water, and toilet paper. (Frankly, I don’t really understand why everyone decided that they would need so much TP, but that’s a topic for another blog). What really concerns me about our plans to physically distance ourselves is that this may also lead to emotionally distancing ourselves from others, too.
Of course, I understand the necessity of physically distancing ourselves, but I don’t hear a lot about how we plan to take care of our own and others’ emotional well-being. Eliminating March Madness, suspending the NBA, and pausing Spring training has sent a signal to all of us that this is serious. But even on a smaller scale, many of us have seen our regular social lives change, such as cancelling dinner out with friends or visits from friends from out of state.
All of these actions that keep physical social contact to a minimum are completely understandable and necessary. However, I am concerned that if we do not put equal amount of effort in finding ways to stay emotionally connected, it could have an impact on both our physical and emotional health. What is particularly concerning is that research has shown that being socially isolated impacts the elderly and individuals living alone disproportionately (Meshi et al., 2019). But it is not limited to these groups (Menec et al., 2019).
Even as we “hunker down” with our immediately family members, we can still feel socially isolated. Social isolation occurs when individuals lack true social engagement and quality relationships with others. We can feel isolated even if we are physically present with others especially if we are interacting with our technology and not each other.
Researchers have known for decades that social isolation can be actual or perceived and is associated with numerous detrimental health conditions (Meshi et al, 2020). For example, considerable neurobiological evidence demonstrates that loneliness and social isolation are linked with proinflammatory and neuroendocrine stress responses, increased blood pressure, and reduced effectiveness of the immune response to infection (Cacioppo et al., 2014). Wow! That’s scary in a time when we are trying to fight a deadly virus. We also know that we are social beings and that the brain’s reward system has evolved to reinforce the development and maintenance of social connection with others (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
It’s not likely that short-term periods of being isolated will have a long-term impact on those of us who are otherwise socially engaged. However, for those who are already feeling a little isolated, like elderly family members, this can be a scary and lonely time. Adding to this feeling of isolation, health experts are asking us to not visit those who are part of a vulnerable population, which includes many of the elderly. But there are other groups that we need to be sensitive to … such as those living alone and those who do not have close family nearby.
As you create your plans to physically “socially distance”, you may want to consider how you create opportunities to stay emotionally connected with others. Here are few ideas:
Create a List. Begin by considering those who might be feeling isolated or alone. For example, this might be an elderly family member or friend, or someone regardless of age living alone, or people who do not have family nearby.
Consider the Best Way to Reach Out. Consider what you know about this person. Are they tech savvy? Do you think they would welcome a phone call or even a FaceTime?
Frequency and Time. Try not to be too invasive and make the person feel uncomfortable or raise their anxiety because of your unusual contact. Creating a personalized outreach will be more meaningful than creating a plan based on your needs and schedule.
Engage in Quality Conversation. As you reach out, try to engage in a “real” conversation with empathy and concern. Allow the other person to take the lead on what you talk about based on what is important to them. Try to guide the conversation in a positive way, to not heighten anxiety and concern in the other person. For example, sharing the latest scary news is something to avoid.
Story Telling. Story telling is a great way to build and enhance emotional connection. As you consider how you can engage in meaningful conversation, you might want to share a story from today, past, or the future.
Today. Think about your day and share something that might help the other person feel like they are part of your life. This could be something funny that happened, news from a fellow friend or family member, or what you even had for dinner. Sharing these types of stories helps us remember that large portions of our lives are continuing to go on. Talking about normal everyday activities in abnormal times helps us feel calm and less anxious.
Past. You might even talk about a positive experience that you shared in the past such as a wedding, a social gathering, or maybe a vacation together. It might even be a story about how one or both of you overcame a difficult situation.
Future. Having something to look forward to has been shown to have a positive impact on our emotional well-being. It doesn’t have to be something big. It could be a plan to go out to dinner or an event after all of this is over.
Virtual Gatherings. Some of my friends have decided to have our Friday night cocktail hour via video. Instead of going to our favorite place, we plan to gather virtually to share our “adult beverage” and talk about the previous week … and laugh a lot, of course!
Go outside. Many of us have planned activities we can do inside. How about thinking about how you can do things outside? Just as taking a walk or a bike ride is a great way to bond, get some physical exercise, and maintain social distance. Making sure that you get fresh air and a little sunshine can have a wonderful impact on your mood.
I realize that we all have a lot of anxiety about what is going to happen. And we are all trying to figure it out. My goal here is to give you something positive to consider as we chart new paths.
References
Baumeister RF, Leary MR. (1995) The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychol Bulletin, 1995 May; 117(3): 497–529.
Cacioppo, S., Capitanio, J. P. Cacioppo, I. T. (2014). Toward a neurology of loneliness. Psychology Bulletin, 140(6), 1464-504.
Menec, V. H., Newall, N. E., Mackenzie, C. S., Shooshtari, S., & Nowicki, S. (2019). Examining individual and geographic factors associated with social isolation and loneliness using Canadian Longitudinal Study on Aging (CLSA) data. PloS one, 14(2).
Meshi, D., Cotten, S. R., & Bender, A. R. (2020). Problematic social media use and perceived social isolation in older adults: a cross-sectional study. Gerontology, 66(2), 160-168.